Edzi Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi, today was horrible. My mum has been aware that I have been planning to go to WA since last year. I have just told her today that we have our visa and that my husband was planning to give in his notice and that we were going last weekend in July. Her reply was that if we go then she will cut off all contact and want nothing to do with me. My sister is already there and she has cut off the contact with her. We have three children, 4,5 and 10 and we have been wanting to migrate for a while since visiting. I am a nurse, my husband is a train driver and she said that we will not manage financially and why would we want to go now when we want for nothing now. I think I will get a job as a nurse but maybe it could be a bit more harder for my husband to be a train driver. He is willing to sacrifice and take a risk though. My mum has been manipulative and interfering for most of my life and can be quite nasty anyway but at the end of the day she is my mother. I am leaving her on her own and she said she will die and no-one will be there for her. The thing is she has smoked 40 per day since being 14 and has copd and she does not bother with her sister or her cousins and she has no friends because she just cuts everybody out. I know I will have all this on my own conscience to deal with but I suppose what I am asking is has anybody else been through anything like this and how did they deal with it because I have just got back home and feel awful. I feel I should stay now but I want to think of my children and how I want to bring them up just like my mum had choices of where to bring me up for the best. I have told her she can come to us for extended stays and we can holiday there and that we can keep in touch electronically by facebook, email and Skype as she is very up on computers but just refuses. Any advice please, I can even take it if you think I am totally selfish for leaving it will just help me to decide, although I have booked flights for july to perth anyway. I booked flights because I knew my mum would talk me out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jac2011 Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 I can feel your pain... The manipulation, lack of understanding and guilt trips! It feels awful on you but it sounds like this is the way your mother has always been. My mother doesn't understand and will only ever see her view in any decisions I make too and its painful to know they don't approve. However, you cannot and will not ever change her personality. You have to think about your children, and your future. It feels hard to inflict the pain on your mum but it does sound like its her that needs to change and adapt. I would attempt to write her a letter, where she can listen without interrupting. Give her time to think about it. Ask her not to contact you for a week or so afterwards so she can truly dwell on her thoughts and the messages you are putting across in your letter. If she refuses to change, then you need to think about your family and offer the contact should she choose to accept. We can not live our lives for other people. You deserve the future that you have worked hard for. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nutnudger Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 I have a mum like yours but being marred to an Australian my mum knew for 10 years that we would at some point move to Perth, and even when we told her she still wasn't happy, we of course are now in Perth now my point of view is that you should be doing what you know to be right for your selfs, don't let anyone stand in your way of doing what you and your husband want to do, there's no point in living life by someone else's rules. afder the move I had a new issue I wasn't expecting a conversation that starts with my mum saying "well I can not afford to fly out there we are not working" this is my mums way of trying to get me and my wife to pay for my mum and her husband to fly out to perth for a holiday hang in there I'm sure you will make the right decision, Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
beandownunder Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 edzi, how awful for you I really sympathise for you in your situation. My MIL is not happy about it all and just cries when we mention it but I can't imagine how it would feel with someone you love threatening to cut you off. Bloody awful. Sending positive vibes your way, stay strong, Bean x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lou8670 Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 (edited) I can completely empathise but your decision is made; if you don't give it a go now you will never forgive her and always wonder "what if?". If I were you I'd sit down with her or write if she won't listen and explain how you feel, that you are doing this for your children and family, that it's something you want to do and that you are not leaving her and she can visit anytime; unless of course you don't want her to I'm starting to have a little difficulty with mine :embarrassed: MIL is "coming with us" and has applied for a contributory aged visa but earliest it will come through will be 2015 (IF she's granted one) so she's had a bit of a meltdown over it; my Mum is brilliant but I've had reports she keeps breaking down in tears, although she's not done that in front of me, and now my FIL has had a breakdown realising his whole family except his mother will be in Australia. I'm trying not to feel guilty but it's hard if you think about it too much. I just wish they'd realise Australia isn't as far as it used to be. Here's hoping she comes around Lou x Edited January 12, 2014 by Lou8670 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebradeb Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 This is really not ideal and I truly sympathise, My Mom has stated that she will never come and visit us as it is my choice to leave and I know where she is if I want to see her. It is really hard and just fills me with guilt (like so many of us experience). The truth, in my belief is as above. If I don't go, I will be wishing that I had. I am super scared about the experience and seem to be worrying for the world on how the jigsaw will fit together when we arrive, with little money, no jobs etc... but in simple terms, it will work or it wont. But you never know until you do it and surely its better to look back and regret something you did than regret something you didn't do? Its an adventure and I look at is as having a golden ticket. It would be rude not to use it! Good luck with it, and have your own regrets, not those that others inflict on you. All the best xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJT Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 I agree with everyones else's statements. You have to do what is best for your immediate family, and trust me you will have enough guilt about taking them away from friends, family etc as it is. My son's friends back in the UK are constantly saying how jealous they are of his new life, as he seems to have so much more fun out here and that he seems to do be doing stuff all the time where they only get to do it two weeks a year whilst they are on holiday. All three of my children would not go back to the UK and to be honest I cannot see me ever returning either. There are reasons you applied for that visa and you need to keep those reasons in your mind. We have been here exactly six months and love it here. Its been a very emotional roller coaster and there have been some days before we arrived and after we arrived where we constantly questioned what we had done. I would not change our decision for the World I most probably will not see my dad or sister ever again, but we are always talking on Skype and they follow my new life through Facebook. As previously said if you don't come now you will never forgive your mum for making you stay and you will always regret your decision not to come, you will always question yourself. At least come give it a go and see if you can make yourselves a new life. We are the lucky few that are able to come here and start a new life, there are hundreds more that would love to but either cant or don't have the b%$£s to do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
portlaunay Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Why are you moving? I mean what is the purpose of this? If the decision was made to do this to cause distress to others then you might be right in feeling guilty about doing so but I very much doubt that is the case. I think upheaving your family and moving to the other side of the planet is a very selfless act, not selfish. You know it's going to be difficult, challenging and emotional and this is a burden we carry through the journey and why? We all have our reasons and mine was one of betterment, believing that what I was doing was for the good of my family, for my children to grow in a secure, stable environment where there were far greater opportunities for them than there would have been in the UK. Fortunately we have very supportive families and have not had to endure what you describe but we all put ourselves through some degree of doubt and distress. If it's worth anything, from my point of view and I know this sounds harsh but my mother represents the past, my children's future and wellbeing takes precedent over everything. I would not want to be in a situation where I had to face them at some stage in their lives and explain why, when I had an opportunity to make a difference in their lives, I gave it up in favour of keeping one foot in the past but I realise it's much easier to do so when you have a family telling you to go for it. Good luck and best wishes to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJT Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Portlaunay I totally agree with everything you say. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
portlaunay Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 We have been here exactly six months and love it here. Sorry for the highjack OP but wow, six months already. How about an update thread? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steveo1571 Posted January 12, 2014 Report Share Posted January 12, 2014 Hi ya, This is a difficult situation, but you have to think of your families future, as cruel as it may sound you can't live your life around your mom, she won't be around one day and if you don't follow your dream then you will only regret it later on. My parents were devastated when we left and over 2 years on they still get upset on Skype when they can't hug/kiss their grandchildren (13,10,6+3)...but they knew it was my dream to move and they didn't try to stop us....was very difficult leaving them and had to say our good bye's a day earlier than planned as they were both upset. I had the guilt trip from my grandparents, nan telling me she would be dead before we would be able to come back for a visit....which she was right, died a year ago...grandad still about and he is now happy for us.... My in-law's were very much the same as my parents, my Fil never believed we would do it and practically said he'd be waiting for us to come back with our tails between our legs....but then once we got them out here for a month they were both blown away by the place and even Fil was impressed and 'ate humble pie'........ my parents are yet to come out! but they will love it too.... As much as she is your mother, perhaps you should tell her to stop being so selfish and think about her grand children and the future they will have out here and tell her it upsets you to leave but angers you that she won't see it from you and your families point of view.... Obviously it's easy for me to put my opinion across as I am not you, but from being in that kind of situation all I can say is you need to be a little selfish for your families sake....as much as the move is for you and your other half, really it's more about the children and their futures. Keep that goal in mind and go for it ... Thanks Steve. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StraighttothePoint Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 I always think what if we were not British? As a nation many of us seem to be able to leave our elders, with some pain yes, but we leave. Other nationalities appear to live for their families, all want to be in in one place and see it as their responsibilty to ensure that everyone in the family is cared for and not left alone. Strange how we are all different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest9824 Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 Hi, today was horrible. My mum has been aware that I have been planning to go to WA since last year. I have just told her today that we have our visa and that my husband was planning to give in his notice and that we were going last weekend in July. Her reply was that if we go then she will cut off all contact and want nothing to do with me. My sister is already there and she has cut off the contact with her. We have three children, 4,5 and 10 and we have been wanting to migrate for a while since visiting. I am a nurse, my husband is a train driver and she said that we will not manage financially and why would we want to go now when we want for nothing now. I think I will get a job as a nurse but maybe it could be a bit more harder for my husband to be a train driver. He is willing to sacrifice and take a risk though. My mum has been manipulative and interfering for most of my life and can be quite nasty anyway but at the end of the day she is my mother. I am leaving her on her own and she said she will die and no-one will be there for her. The thing is she has smoked 40 per day since being 14 and has copd and she does not bother with her sister or her cousins and she has no friends because she just cuts everybody out. I know I will have all this on my own conscience to deal with but I suppose what I am asking is has anybody else been through anything like this and how did they deal with it because I have just got back home and feel awful. I feel I should stay now but I want to think of my children and how I want to bring them up just like my mum had choices of where to bring me up for the best. I have told her she can come to us for extended stays and we can holiday there and that we can keep in touch electronically by facebook, email and Skype as she is very up on computers but just refuses. Any advice please, I can even take it if you think I am totally selfish for leaving it will just help me to decide, although I have booked flights for july to perth anyway. I booked flights because I knew my mum would talk me out of it. Wow, very sad to read your dilemma. This huge life changing move can bring out the best and worse in people. Parents can truly embrace it and give you their blessing, or they can make life very difficult and use the old emotional blackmail to manipulate every situation. Friends can also see it as a shun, or perhaps even feel jealous towards you. As others have said, it's your life to live, your folks won't be around forever, and I'm guessing the majority wouldn't have let their parents dictate to them how and where they lived their lives. It's a tough one to go through, but you can't please everyone, so just please yourselves...if it helps to vent, then come on here and we can all listen and help... pea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
domino Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 I cant really add much more, agree with everyone else and you are anything but selfish. Ultimately you have to put yours, and your childrens future above everything else. Ive just got my visa have told my family, but not my husbands, and im not sure how they will take it. It is an emotional rollercoaster and its very difficult. I am a nurse too. I hope what people have said has helped you, even if family give you their blessing you still feel guilty but you have to remember all of the reasons you want to go. You should still go, I am not the best person to advice you about your mum and how to handle it because my relationship with my mum is complicated too, but wanting a better future for your children is not selfish, that is one of the main reasons we are going to. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Capela Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 Hi edzi This is my first ever post! I have been following everyone's updates for a while but never actually added anything, but reading your post I felt I had to let you know that you are not alone!!! I am just starting the process, I haven't even decided on an agent yet (nightmare!!), I plan to come out around May/June 2015 if all goes to plan. However even just saying I want to go has sent my mum into a spiral of despair!!! She is on her own, and in good health etc but as I am an only child she really feels that I am deserting her. I have to say she has not said she will cut me off but she is not happy at all. I could take this negativity and let it put me off and just stay here in this miserable country and never know what could have been, all just to please my mum. But I refuse!!! I am single and just as alone as she is but this is my chance to have a better life and if she doesn't want the best for me then what's that all about!!! She's my mum!!! I'm sure if you were really going to let her change your mind it would have happened earlier, especially given that she has gone through with the threat with your sister. It's hard, and I totally get it, but you are doing the right thing for you and your family and she can choose to be a part of that and support you all or not but this is not your fault so please don't let yourself feel so bad. I hope you are ok and I really hope your mum comes round, even just a little so that you can truly leave without any guilt. You are all an inspiration to me! Making me see that I'm not the only one with odd family members that can't see the good in moving to Oz!!! I hope I make it through the process! Xx?☀️ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akasully2 Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 Don't let her manipulation deter you. She is a bitter, selfish woman who has driven everyone close to her away. Who could realistically disown their daughter if they really loved them? Sure, be hurt, be heard but don't push them away with threats. She has done it with everyone else, don't let her stop you living your life. Cut off her own nose to spite her face. A bitter, twisted and scared lady. Go, be free to love the life you have. Just don't end up like your mum. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hopeful Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 Edzi I concur with everyone else's views and I would like to say how brave I think you are to be offering your children a future where there's hope and happiness, after all they are the future and your little family will be around together long after your mum. I am sure things will work out re jobs etc, I am a big believer in fate and if it's meant to be it will be. Re your mum well please forgive me if this sounds harsh but she needs to think long and hard about her lonely future, you can't buy family and to cut all your children off because you can't think of anyone but yourself deserves all it gets. I think it would be an idea to write to her but without any apology in it, whilst acknowledging how difficult she states she will find it, if she's always been like this with you staying will stress your relationship and you may end up resenting her for changing your plans. Good luck with your decision but don't forget live your life and make your decisions for you and your children not for others who are old enough to know better than to hold their lived ones back in life! X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daveakaginge Posted January 13, 2014 Report Share Posted January 13, 2014 Deb went through a similar thing with her parents, her mum in particular. Same guilt trip, 'you don't love me'....'I will never see you again'.... 'I will die and you will be sorry'.... etc etc, but four months in, has accepted our decision to come, even skyped for the first time in their lives. We said that Deb would go back once a year for two weeks, which has lessoned the hurt, but at the time, I was spitting feathers, and have still not forgotten some of the harsh things said. So chin up girl, do what you have to do, lead your lives as you wish, and not as your mother wishes, your children are the future, your mother is your past. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edzi Posted January 14, 2014 Author Report Share Posted January 14, 2014 Hi everyone. Wow. Thank you so much. The feedback has been really helpful and made me sat up and think you are right. It is my life, she made her choices and cut everyone off. We are going to Perth!!!! Nothing is going to stand in our way, we are excited. I think it was just a setback. Nothing has changed with my mum, she is not speaking to me and I have had sleepless nights about it but we are still going. I will have to see what happens with regards to my mum but nothing is going to stop us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cant believe posting on here has helped me so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jo and scott Posted January 14, 2014 Report Share Posted January 14, 2014 hi edzi so pleased you have decided to go for it !! hopefully your mum will come round and realise what shes missing out on. perth poms is a fab place for help and advice. xx Hi everyone. Wow. Thank you so much. The feedback has been really helpful and made me sat up and think you are right. It is my life, she made her choices and cut everyone off. We are going to Perth!!!! Nothing is going to stand in our way, we are excited. I think it was just a setback. Nothing has changed with my mum, she is not speaking to me and I have had sleepless nights about it but we are still going. I will have to see what happens with regards to my mum but nothing is going to stop us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cant believe posting on here has helped me so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted January 15, 2014 Report Share Posted January 15, 2014 Edzi I have great admiration for you for going ahead with your dreams for your family's future despite the actions and comments of your Mother. With respect, it appears that she is a very lonely, unhappy, bitter, self-centred person, and you should not let her colour your life with her bitterness. I agree with all the comments that everyone has made and have nothing further to add, but just wanted you to know that as a parent who has an adult son who has travelled the world for a year or two, and who has now settled in Queensland, I can have some understanding of how parents feel about their offspring moving to the other side of the world. As adults, my children choose their own life path and I give them all the support I can and wish them a happy life doing what they want. Having said that, I did bawl my eyes out all the way home from the airport yesterday after seeing my son onto his flight back to Queensland after a quick visit back to WA to spend my birthday with me! Keep strong Edzi and do not take on the responsibility of your mother's attitude - that is all down to her - not you!! Keep posting so we can all help in any way on your "journey". Cheers! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jojo1310 Posted January 16, 2014 Report Share Posted January 16, 2014 Hi everyone. Wow. Thank you so much. The feedback has been really helpful and made me sat up and think you are right. It is my life, she made her choices and cut everyone off. We are going to Perth!!!! Nothing is going to stand in our way, we are excited. I think it was just a setback. Nothing has changed with my mum, she is not speaking to me and I have had sleepless nights about it but we are still going. I will have to see what happens with regards to my mum but nothing is going to stop us. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I cant believe posting on here has helped me so much. Hi Edzi, It sounds like you are in a a far more positive place then your first post, and I'm glad. Unfortunately, I feel that this whole process is ups and downs, battles in your mind of fighting sadness and guilt with extreme happiness and excitement. I hope that your mum comes round; the world is a far smaller place these days and I only hope that she comes to the realisation that life is FAR too short to cut people off. You're family after all! I keep on saying the same thing to my boyfriend; I feel so guilty leaving my family behind, but what he (very sensibly) keeps on saying to me is that, in a selfish way, we have to think of ourselves and the family that we want to start. Someone mentioned before on this post how actually, it's not selfish, its SELFLESS and that is very true. Its also incredibly brave and I have huge respect for you and all the other guys on here who are going through the process or have made the leap and DONE it and are living in sunny, happy Australia. Exciting times are ahead Edzi, so keep your chin up and concentrate on the good! Think about the incredible lives you will have in Oz and stay positive! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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