LucaLeon123 Posted April 14, 2014 Report Share Posted April 14, 2014 Well we are about to have our visas granted so thought it time to discuss with our parents. I told mine yesterday and it was horrible! but my mum is way worse today. She is so upset and doesn't want to listen to any of our reasons for the move she says nothing we say could make a difference she just doesn't want us to go and that's it. Am I expecting too much too soon? What are your experiences of telling parents? Please say it gets better. I feel so selfish and guilty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocolevi Posted April 14, 2014 Report Share Posted April 14, 2014 It will get better, we had a bad time with MIL she reacted badly saying we were selfish, this was before her daughter had a child we had the only grandchildren , now I don't think she minds so much . Hang on in there she'll come round. Some friends don't understand why we want to do it let alone parents. I only have inlaws so it is a bit easier for me x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lynsey Nicolson Posted April 14, 2014 Report Share Posted April 14, 2014 You shouldn't feel selfish or guilty at all. I've been away for 2.5years and in the process of applying for my 457. Obviously my family would want me to stay at home but there is too much opportunity for me to move away and make a life for myself. I'm so excited about every stage I go through with sponsorship,visa and any news I hear and my mum can't even crack a smile but it's only because she's going to miss me. I'm just back and planning my next move! You're family will come around eventually. I'm sure they will be upset but they would never stand in the way of your decision. There are so many ways to keep in touch now that they wont have time to miss you. Just tell them about the holidays they will be able to have! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janh Posted April 14, 2014 Report Share Posted April 14, 2014 Hello I agree with the others.we had a grim time telling my dad but he has come round a bit.i don't think it is selfish at all but it is tricky telling friends and family.we have found a lot of friends feel a bit rejected.all you can do is focus on what seems right for you and it does get easier! X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucaLeon123 Posted April 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 15, 2014 Thank you for your advice and kind words. Just had another conversation with mum and she was so upset. We offered to come over on fri to talk some more but she said no. I just feel like maybe it isn't worth the pain we are causing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocolevi Posted April 15, 2014 Report Share Posted April 15, 2014 You have to do what's right for you, it may seem mean but we looked at it as you've had your life done what you wanted now it's our turn. It's still early days give her some space can you ask a friend to have a little chat to her x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ali Posted April 15, 2014 Report Share Posted April 15, 2014 (edited) Think of it as a grieving process - if you have a search of threads on here you'll find that it comes up time and again. Keep communication open but initially give her some space to absorb the news. At some point tel lher that she'd brought you up to be someone independent and able to make choices, good and bad and to be able to live and deal with those choices. Tell here about the reasons you want to make the move and what they will mean to you and your partner/family and as she has looked after her family - you now have to make choices for yours and do the same thing. Perhaps tell her that you had hoped that she would help you plan the move, plan for a holiday with you, but accept if that's something she can't do - you'll respect her wishes not to talk about it, but that will hurt you deeply. Allow your mum time to 'grieve' at her perceived loss, but she not you has to take responsibility for how she deals with it and behaves. Good luck hun - never an easy task Edited April 16, 2014 by ali Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucaLeon123 Posted April 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 Thank you all, it's good to know you all know what we're going through and can understand. I definitely under estimated the effect it was going to have, i knew mum would be upset but thought she would be able to stand by our decision. We have decided to go to see them on Friday anyway and have a talk. We are telling MIL today so not sure how that's going to go! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elizabethkolo Posted April 16, 2014 Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 Best of luck with your MIL! Xx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest9824 Posted April 16, 2014 Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 Never easy LL, my MIL, went into what can only be described as 'total denial' that we would leave the uk, and only until the final few days of living with them before we emigrated did it start to sink in. I can still see her, peeling potatoes in her kitchen trying to hold it all together but eventually breaking down and the realization of us leaving setting in...horrible! Wish you well, try to keep in mind the reasons why you have chosen your new adventure, this will help. peax Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamesw Posted April 16, 2014 Report Share Posted April 16, 2014 My mum would always change the subject when we spoke about moving here, but when she visited us, she knew that we had made the right decision and didn't blame us at all Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leah2408 Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 This is something I'm not looking forward to at all.....telling the MIL & friends... the MIL already guilt trips us about anything! we want to wait until we nearly have the visa as we cant deal with the stress of everything and having friends and family add to it and make us feel guilty. Luckily my mum couldn't be more supportive and cant wait to get rid of us (in a good way, she cant wait to spend months at a time with us) hope it went well with the MIL and hope your mum comes round a bit, try not to feel guilty! stay strong. Leah Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucaLeon123 Posted April 23, 2014 Author Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Well it has not gone well at all with the MIL. We have been emotionally black mailed until we just dont know what to do now! We thought the best thing to do was to tell them when we almost had the visa to save them the pain but to be honest I so wish we had told them from the very beginning. We told friends and thought we had it all sorted in our heads, but we left the most important bit to last which we are finding to be a mistake. My advice for those wondering and worrying about parents reactions would be to keep them in the loop all the way from start to finish as it comes as to much of a shock to those who love you the most, at least that way they are well prepared and you can keep communication flowing. My mum is still in a mess and doubts about what we are doing are creeping in more and more. Not a happy time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
leah2408 Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 I real feel for you Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cocolevi Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Sorry to here it hasn't gone well. Will they be able or willing to visit they could see your point of view if they came over x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lou8670 Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 (edited) Some sound advice LucaLeon123. We told ours at the beginning. Of course there are some downsides with this but it does allow them time to digest things and also they are with you on your journey through the visa process. I hope yours come around. My mils decided she's coming with us and she's now in the process of applying for her own visa. My mum couldn't stop crying last week but, bless her, she tried so hard to keep this from us however she's gotten herself in a bit of a state and I do love her dearly. We have temporarily said our goodbyes but are seeing my Mum and Dad again in 10 days time when we return from our holiday and set off for Perth. I know she's going to be in bits by then and I'm not looking forward to seeing her so upset. But I know she'll pull out all of the stops to visit us at Xmas! Do you have a timeframe for your move? Perhaps start planning their first visit? Then they'll have something to excited about and look forward to Lou Edited April 23, 2014 by Lou8670 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bibbs Posted April 23, 2014 Report Share Posted April 23, 2014 Some of these stories are awful. My friends & family were "okay, good luck, let us know if you need anything". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
portlaunay Posted April 24, 2014 Report Share Posted April 24, 2014 Sorry, this isn't particularly supportive for those in difficult situations but hopeful it will provide some reassurance to others. Our circumstance made telling others much easier I think. Both Mrs p and I left home when we were quite young and we have always lived at least a couple of hours drive from our parents and families. We also lived in London with two young children and our concerns about raising them there were shared by others and they had asked many times if we intended to move away. Obviously they didn't think we'd move quite this far and we only told them once we had our visas and we'd committed to coming. They knew that nothing they could say would change our minds, we had good reason to come and because we've always been quite adventurous and a little left field they weren't that surprised. The first comment my mother made was, "You won't come back." but she wasn't thinking about herself and she knew we had our families best interests at heart. Obviously she was upset, she adores my son but she fought back the tears and has only ever said positive things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest10912 Posted April 24, 2014 Report Share Posted April 24, 2014 Well it has not gone well at all with the MIL. We have been emotionally black mailed until we just dont know what to do now! We thought the best thing to do was to tell them when we almost had the visa to save them the pain but to be honest I so wish we had told them from the very beginning. We told friends and thought we had it all sorted in our heads, but we left the most important bit to last which we are finding to be a mistake. My advice for those wondering and worrying about parents reactions would be to keep them in the loop all the way from start to finish as it comes as to much of a shock to those who love you the most, at least that way they are well prepared and you can keep communication flowing. My mum is still in a mess and doubts about what we are doing are creeping in more and more. Not a happy time. Unfortunately too late for you but definitely sound advice for others. I think definitely better to tell parents and family up front, before even applying for the visa, to give them time to adjust to the idea and prevent sudden sharp shocks at the end. Saving it up and not only will the parents be dealing with their grief but also they will have a feeling of being deceived to contend with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuntyStoops Posted May 3, 2014 Report Share Posted May 3, 2014 We told my parents and his parents before we started the visa process of our plans so probably about 2 years ago now. My parents, so supportive, would have had us over there in a jiffy, however… his parents - they hate the idea, I don't think they have come to terms with it - even now and we are 6 months away from moving. I am the bad one for taking him away, I have forced him to come with me (which I might add I haven't, he jumped at the idea when I mentioned it) and it will be my fault they will never see him again blah blah blah. When we had mentioned it to them, I am sure they thought we were moving within months but hubster then explained the situation to them, didn't even get a congratulations on getting your visa from them. In hindsight, should we have waited until the visa was approved? Who knows, we thought telling them in advance would prepare them for it but seems it hasn't! Kx Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucaLeon123 Posted May 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted May 5, 2014 Thanks for that Bunty, Both sets of parents still acting very oddly. My mum is better at talking about it though but the in-laws seem to have gone into complete denial!! I just wish our visa would be issued now so we can tell them we're going for sure! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BuntyStoops Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Any news on your visa? Has it been sent to the case officer? Our visa only took a week to grant once it was with them. Be prepared that even when you get the visa approved, they could still be in denial. It is like a grieving process they have to go through - although saying that, I am not sure how long that goes on for and if his parents will ever get used to it, which is putting a bit of stress on us. x Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rossmoyne Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 Thank you for your advice and kind words. Just had another conversation with mum and she was so upset. We offered to come over on fri to talk some more but she said no. I just feel like maybe it isn't worth the pain we are causing. Give her time to process it.... it is such a huge thing to process. I had to deal with my parents migrating from UK to WA to be with my brother.... can't tell you the feelings that brought to the surface. It took me weeks to process it and accept it was their decision and I just had to go along with it. We are all together in Perth now though thankfully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
odies Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 oh rossy, just what i am doing to my youngest son,but i know he will never make the move Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amiio1 Posted May 9, 2014 Report Share Posted May 9, 2014 I am just reading these threads and I am totally in the same situation. Hubby and I have talked about emigrating for past 3 years, started it 3 year ago but put it off due to family. At the end of last year we decided just to go for it and started the process again. We have 2 children (1&6) who are very close to my parents and when I told my mum she was very upset and chose to ignore it. As it's getting closer to getting the visas I keep trying to talk to her again but she is having non of it saying there heart broken, she can't believe we're taking her grand kids away from them, saying things like who will babysit and that Skype is a load of rubbish. My mum is like my best friend and at the weekend I told my hubby I couldn't do it to her. We thought about stopping the process but part of me just wants to go and try it. My hubby will support whatever decision made but he really wants to go, for our kids if anything. I know when we get there and they visit they will understand but right now I change my thoughts every other minute as to what to do. X Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.