So confused :(

[CarolineD82]

Hi all, I'm still waiting to pass my IELTS, so, being a nurse have been unable to begin the visa process. I made the decision at the beginning of this year that I would give emigrating a chance (as my husband has wanted to for years). However, over the past couple of weeks I've been feeling extremely panicky and questioning my decision. I am very close to my family and know I'd be breaking their hearts to move our 2young children to the other side of the world. But they are being very supportive of our decision. I am literally changing my mind every day. Most mornings I wake up positive about an exciting adventure, but by afternoon I'm getting upset and really don't feel I can do it. I have spoken at length with my husband. He originally was happy to go over for a few years and see what happens. If I didn't settle after a few years, we would return as a family. However, now he tells me he will probably struggle to leave that life if he and the kids settle and it's just my homesickness that brings us home. He feels our relationship would suffer. Also, the money we would loose in relocating again he may resent. He's just being honest so I appreciate that. But I now feel such a huge pressure. He has said his family means more than his dream, so if I want to stay, he can accept that. We can move on here and upgrade our home with the money we have been saving for emigration. I told him a few days ago that I want to stay. He has accepted it and we have decided to put our house on the market. But my head and heart is in pieces. I keep changing my mind, but haven't told my hubby as don't to keep getting his hopes up to keep letting him down. I don't know what I'm to gain by posting this, but would be nice to hear any advice as I'm sure there have been others who have felt like this. What did you do? ? Caroline

[SaffanZimbo]

Hi all, I'm still waiting to pass my IELTS, so, being a nurse have been unable to begin the visa process. I made the decision at the beginning of this year that I would give emigrating a chance (as my husband has wanted to for years). However, over the past couple of weeks I've been feeling extremely panicky and questioning my decision. I am very close to my family and know I'd be breaking their hearts to move our 2young children to the other side of the world. But they are being very supportive of our decision. I am literally changing my mind every day. Most mornings I wake up positive about an exciting adventure, but by afternoon I'm getting upset and really don't feel I can do it. I have spoken at length with my husband. He originally was happy to go over for a few years and see what happens. If I didn't settle after a few years, we would return as a family. However, now he tells me he will probably struggle to leave that life if he and the kids settle and it's just my homesickness that brings us home. He feels our relationship would suffer. Also, the money we would loose in relocating again he may resent. He's just being honest so I appreciate that. But I now feel such a huge pressure. He has said his family means more than his dream, so if I want to stay, he can accept that. We can move on here and upgrade our home with the money we have been saving for emigration. I told him a few days ago that I want to stay. He has accepted it and we have decided to put our house on the market. But my head and heart is in pieces. I keep changing my mind, but haven't told my hubby as don't to keep getting his hopes up to keep letting him down. I don't know what I'm to gain by posting this, but would be nice to hear any advice as I'm sure there have been others who have felt like this. What did you do? ? Caroline

 

At the end of the day everyone is different so you need to think about what is best for you and your family.

 

We have got our visas and went to Perth in April to validate as OH has never been to Oz and was very apprehensive. I have been the one driving the move as I have been in the UK 13 years and have grown tired of the winter weather and limitations it places on what children can do. I want my children to be outdoors more not stuck in front of a TV. Luckily for us we will not have the problem of how to deal with family we leave behind as OH and myself are both from Southern Africa although I do have my gran here in the UK (who is 96 this year and encourages our move even though it means she won't see her great grandchildren again).

 

You need to sit down and be realistic about the move. Can you and your OH cope with being away from family? Reading posts on this forum and PIO it is the single biggest factor why Poms who go out to Oz return home (and then quite a large majority go back to Oz again...).

 

We will be going with a view to making sure we stick it out for a least 3-4 years and definitely until we get our Australian citizenship. Yes, we appreciate it will be hard for OH and myself but after our LSD trip in April we know that it is a better enviroment for our 2 girls who absolutely flourished in the 3 weeks we were in Perth, playing outdoors with the neighbourhood children and loving being around dogs and cats (our house is too small for pets). We will be renting out our house so that if after 3-4 years we come back we have a home to come back to... if we choose to stay we will sell the house and buy a property in Perth. We have made a 12 month plan and are now in count down to our move next year, OH will fly out in August and the girls and I will join him 6-8 weeks later once he has found a job and rental.

 

Not sure if this helps but rest assured you are not alone!

[CarolineD82]

Thanks for your reply. I think if I had support from OH & reassurance that we could come home after a few years or so I think is be happy to give oz a good try. Who knows, I may love the life and want to stay indefinitely. But I admire his honesty in being upfront that If we go for this, it has to be for good. Good luck to you and your family.

[Levi]

Caroline, it seems to me that your family is very together. (Can I even say it like this, is it understandable?) From what you write I feel that you and your husband are honest with one another. That is very good. Also you could tell him that you do this thing "change your mind a couple of times a day". I think he needs to know and be supportive.

 

Having no luck with the IELTS remark I don't feel like going for another test, at least not this year. See what your remark outcome will be and if there's enough money then make the move happen.

 

I really hope you will get a higher band score.

[CarolineD82]

Thanks Levi. Yes, I think you're right to be honest with him in how confused I feel. I will sit tight & await the IELTS result.

[Tara]

I could have written your post, I know exactly how you feel. In my case, its my husband who has a job lined up in Perth. He was really up for going as soon as possible, but iv put it off for 10 months, while we save up, get house sorted etc. I change my mind about it every day! My husband will be devastated if we dont go. He'd probably never forgive me. But it will break my mums heart if we do go, we are taking our 3 children with us, her only grandchildren. I am happy with my life as it is. My husband has always wanted to emigrate, I always said I wouldnt. I suppose whats changed my mind is, the lack of opportunities where I live, its a small town that is just going downhill. Theres not much for my kids to do and in years to come, when they leave school, theres going to be very little in the way of job prospects for them.

I think I would feel better about it if we went for a visit first, I feel its a huge risk uprooting the kids and moving to another country that none of us have ever been to before. But with 5 of us its just so expensive and that money could be put to good use when we move.

I hope I can stop feeling so bad, get out there, give it a go, hopefully we will love it! But if not, If im unhappy, or the kids dont settle and want to come back, we will come back. At least we will of tried. Im afraid that my kids and husband will love it and il be the only one that wants to come back. On the other hand, I might love it and they might not. But if we dont try, we will always wonder what if and probably regret it in years to come.

 

Sorry I havn't helped, but you are definatly not alone.

[CarolineD82]

I could have written your post, I know exactly how you feel. In my case, its my husband who has a job lined up in Perth. He was really up for going as soon as possible, but iv put it off for 10 months, while we save up, get house sorted etc. I change my mind about it every day! My husband will be devastated if we dont go. He'd probably never forgive me. But it will break my mums heart if we do go, we are taking our 3 children with us, her only grandchildren. I am happy with my life as it is. My husband has always wanted to emigrate, I always said I wouldnt. I suppose whats changed my mind is, the lack of opportunities where I live, its a small town that is just going downhill. Theres not much for my kids to do and in years to come, when they leave school, theres going to be very little in the way of job prospects for them. I think I would feel better about it if we went for a visit first, I feel its a huge risk uprooting the kids and moving to another country that none of us have ever been to before. But with 5 of us its just so expensive and that money could be put to good use when we move. I hope I can stop feeling so bad, get out there, give it a go, hopefully we will love it! But if not, If im unhappy, or the kids dont settle and want to come back, we will come back. At least we will of tried. Im afraid that my kids and husband will love it and il be the only one that wants to come back. On the other hand, I might love it and they might not. But if we dont try, we will always wonder what if and probably regret it in years to come.Sorry I havn't helped, but you are definatly not alone.

Hi Tara, you have spoken of my feelings also. I too am from a small town with limited opportunities. I want a better life for my children. I just feel split in 2 over leaving my parents. But I know they would come to see us every year. The thoughts of "if you don't try you'll never know" are at the forefront of my mind, but my heart sinks at the thought of leaving them behind. It's such a tough decision. You have certainly helped me woth your reply in hearing I'm not alone thanks x

[odies]

just asking but why Perth and emigrating ? could you move to a better address in England ? its just kids are kids and they will play tv games wherever they are .having read so many threads on PP the expectation is children will have a better life I think we all want that better life but sometimes for some of us it could happen in England. sorry if it makes you more confused but family means alot in any country.

[CarolineD82]

just asking but why Perth and emigrating ? could you move to a better address in England ? its just kids are kids and they will play tv games wherever they are .having read so many threads on PP the expectation is children will have a better life I think we all want that better life but sometimes for some of us it could happen in England. sorry if it makes you more confused but family means alot in any country.

Perth because my husband feels that's an ideal place for him to prosper in his work. He has a good job now but he works away from home a lot, he's in Quatar now. He is very ambitious at work...which concerns me even more. He originally said he'd get an opportunity to have more time with family, but then talks of FIFO work. I don't want to be on my own out there with 2young children as we know no one. It's okay when he's away in England as have good support from both our parents. I think after some real hard reality checks today I am swaying more to stay in England, for the time being at least. I have also thought about maybe relocating somewhere more south maybe in a few years. Thanks for your thoughts I really do appreciate all the advice, Caroline x

[odies]

I really wish you and your family all the very best in whatever your choice . xx

[CarolineD82]

I really wish you and your family all the very best in whatever your choice . xx

Thank you so much x

[verystormy]

I think you both need to ask why you want to move to Oz and then ask if Oz really offer what you think it will.

 

It is of concern for me that he is thinking FIFO as a work option. It is not a great option for new arrivals. He also needs to consider if his expectations of FIFO are the reality. I am guessing he works in oil and gas and so does international FIFO. Well, one of the prime reasons we moved was because I did international FIFO in mining and the Oz lifestyle would mean much better rosters - instead of being away for weeks at a time I could do week on week off and for similar pay. It was great. But, now after the mining down turn, I am back doing international FIFO and don't get the tax breaks that I would in the UK - so am doing longer trips, more jet lag and 40% less money because in Oz you still pay full tax for working off shore.

 

Oz does have some great things about it. But, it isn't some wonder country. At the end of the day, we go to work, pay the bills, clean the toilet and do all the normal things of life.

 

It can offer some more than what they had. It can offer some less. You need to establish how it is for you.

 

If your husband is considering non FIFO work, then his assertion that you will have more family time. Surveys have shown Oz has some of the longest working hours in the world. Most people only get 20 days annual leave and FIFO roles often do not get any annual leave.

[CookieCrumble]

My 2p's worth - if you are panicking about leaving your family now it's going to be a whole lot worse once you get here. I never really understand why people who have very close family ties in the UK up and leave to Australia where they know no one. Most return because they miss family and I think if you feel this way now no amount of sunshine and beaches is going to change that for you.

[CarolineD82]

Very stormy- thanks for your honest and informative reply. CookieC- thank you also, you are right. I have woken this morning feeling content that I'm making the right decision for me and my family to stay in England for now at least. I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders :-) Oz seemed like a perfect ideal lifestyle...but my parents mean more to me right now and as long as my children are loved and well provided for, they should have a happy life here. I think my mum will cry with relief when I tell her! Thanks to all who has replied, I've had a free counselling session lol.I wish everyone every success who is planning the big move. I'm sure it is an amazing way of life, just not for me Caroline x x

[Guest guest10912]

Very stormy- thanks for your honest and informative reply. CookieC- thank you also, you are right. I have woken this morning feeling content that I'm making the right decision for me and my family to stay in England for now at least. I feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulders :-) Oz seemed like a perfect ideal lifestyle...but my parents mean more to me right now and as long as my children are loved and well provided for, they should have a happy life here. I think my mum will cry with relief when I tell her! Thanks to all who has replied, I've had a free counselling session lol.I wish everyone every success who is planning the big move. I'm sure it is an amazing way of life, just not for me Caroline x x

 

I am glad you have made this decision, it sounds like the right one for you. It is natural to feel nervous, we all feel nervous about the move, but deep down I don't think you wanted to do it and that deep down wanting to do it, is a prerequisite for success in my opinion. I also think this migrating lark is particularly hard on those that are close to their families, we all love our families but some of us are just not as close and are more independent and it makes a better migrant I think. You don't seem to fall into that bucket.

 

You are not missing out on an amazing way of life, sounds to me like you have a great life. Yes many people are happy here, but I really don't think it is "amazing". I think it is a beautiful country, but I still go to work every day and do shopping and chores at the weekend. I didn't magically become sportier on the way over. Children can watch TV anywhere, it is not the country that determines that it is the child and the parent. You don't need to move to the other side of the world to discourage your children from TV.

 

I must admit one or two comments on the thread from those that think that Perth, the most remote city on earth would offer more opportunities than any UK town (where you can easily travel to the next town for work if need be) made my jaw drop open, but that is another matter.

[CarolineD82]

Thanks Rupert for your reply. I believe you are right in what you say. I will certainly ensure that my children have a wonderful life no matter where we are in the world Caroline