Falling out with family over decision to move

[ImmilBees]

Did anyone else fall out with family or have family just refuse to acknowledge your decision to move?

 

Of all people my mum is making this very hard for me, I go through different emotions of anger how can she be so selfish, stubbornness thinking im not backing down as she'll win, to guilt is it really worth it to loose a member of your family over?

 

When we told her, she brushed over the subject, so I told her again a few weeks later, she cried, she begged me not to go, asked how I could take her grandchildren away from her. She didn't talk to me for an hour, told me it was a stupid idea. (I wish my husband was there too now to back me up)

 

Then that was it, we haven't spoken of it since, it's like this big Australian sized elephant in the room, I want to come out with things like I done my IELTS test and our plans and I don't. To spare her feelings I suppose. But then I think she's not sparing mine making it this hard for me. We offered to pay for her flight over to visit she didnt want to know, we said she can get a holiday visa and stay for 6-8wks she said that wasn't possible because of the dog. The flights too far she'll never see me again! (Despite the fact we will be visiting UK)

 

People say oh she'll come round, but My nan asked her what she knew about our plans and her response was, I don't know, I'm not interested in what they have to say, I don't want to know so I don't ask, I don't want to talk about it!

 

 

its been 5 months now, I'm not saying she should be putting on A party but at least accept it's happening!

[verystormy]

This is very common. Don't worry, she will come round.

[cocolevi]

I do feel for you. We have had a similar thing with my mil - we're being selfish taking grandkids away, it's all completely ridiculous, I've never really had a great relationship with her and could go on for hours about what she's done to me. We said about them coming over to stay for a bit but the response was " I want to go on holiday to relax not travel all that way.

I know it's your Mum but your not on your own. Sending hugs ((( ))))) xx

[ali]

It's a bit like grieving - there's the denial before the acceptance. I know it's a hard conversation to have but you maybe need to have it with your Mum. Acknowledge that this is hard for her, but also ask that if you decide to stay and resent her and she ends up not seeing you or the children anyway - how would that make her feel. Tell her that's not a threat but a realistic possibility because she is alienating you because of the way she is behaving, and whilst you can fully accept how she feels, you can't tolerate the way that she's treating you.

 

Tell her that out of respect you will let her know what's happening with the move because you don't want her to be the last to know as she's your mum and that still and will always be something very important to you. She has raised you to make independent choices and now it's your turn to make decisions with your husband for your family - just as she did for hers.

 

My dad before I was born got a chance to move abroad before I was born, my mum wouldn't leave her mum and the opportunity never came around again - my dad said there was always a part of him that wondered "what if' and that whilst sad that we were going, couldn't stand in the way. On his first visit - he gave me a hug and told me I'd done the right thing.

 

Good luck xxx

[ImmilBees]

Thank you. At the moment she quite clearly said she doesn't want to know, so I don't feel I can even try to talk to her about it, but I am starting to feel if I stayed for her I would resent her, and I know she wouldn't want that.

i understand this is a big thing for her, but I feel like she's acting like the only one who's suffering.

My dad also had the chance and didn't do it, so did my in laws so they're all really supportive.

Even if she doesn't like the idea or accept it, I'd still like to share things with her.

Theres 7 steps to the grieving process if she's in denial now I've got 6 steps to go until acceptance!

[Amiio1]

Thank you. At the moment she quite clearly said she doesn't want to know, so I don't feel I can even try to talk to her about it, but I am starting to feel if I stayed for her I would resent her, and I know she wouldn't want that.

i understand this is a big thing for her, but I feel like she's acting like the only one who's suffering.

My dad also had the chance and didn't do it, so did my in laws so they're all really supportive.

Even if she doesn't like the idea or accept it, I'd still like to share things with her.

Theres 7 steps to the grieving process if she's in denial now I've got 6 steps to go until acceptance!

 

 

My mum has been exactly the same. We started the process 3 years ago and ad cold feet then regretted it ever since so, in jan we decided to go for it. We have 2 children (2&7) and they adore my parents and vice versa, my mum is like my best friend, I see her all the time and will miss her profoundly but it's something my husband and I have always wanted to do. We don't want to get to being 60 and regret having the opportunity and not taking it. Up until 3 weeks ago she would not acknowledge anything then we got invited and I told her (by text as she won't discuss anything which is annoying also) and she just replied with a heart broken heart emoji. She knows we are def going but won't talk to me about it. If I mention anything she just shrugs it off. I also feel like its the oz elephant in the room and a no go convo but get so annoyed as I want to be able to talk openly, share my excitement. They don't even know where in oz we are going or anything. They think we are being selfish and mum says she is scared the kids will forget her. We have also said we would pay for flights etc as she works at a school and could come every 6 weeks (prob not realistic but the opportunity is there I'd she wants it).

so in reply to your post... I don't know where to go or what to do either. Soon we will be on that flight and it will be soo much harder for both her and me as will feel We haven't had chance to 'grieve' as you put it xxxxx

[Matt&beck]

My mum encouraged us at first but once the decision was made she has totally backed off and now thinks it's a bad idea! It's just worry and sadness so I'm trying not to let it bother me.

 

My sister on the other hand has taken it very personally and I can't even look forward to Australia without her saying something hurtful like 'oh yes that's nice isn't it, you won't miss your family at all'. I'm just ignoring it!

[cocolevi]

It's not an easy thing to leave family behind. You have to do what's best for you and your family but they do make it harder for us x

[gar374]

Great thread - very heartfelt.

As much as our folks don't want us to go their being supportive. Doesn't stop us feeling guilty for taking grand child away from grand parents though. I guess its something we all will have to go through, part of the emotional roller coaster that is emigration to Australia. We are making these decisions and others are having to live with our choices, as we do.

I hope you Mum comes round to it and agrees to come and visit @ImmilBees, same for you @Amiio1. I think its great we have this forum to vent on and get advice from.

 

You never know, someone who's already been through this issue may be able to share some wisdom or even hope that it worked out for them in the end.

 

G

[ImmilBees]

@Ammio1, I'm sorry it's got as far as you going and you still can't talk about it. I keep going to say things related to the move and stop in my tracks because I realise who i'm talking to, I just got my IELTS results today and she doesn't even know i've taken the test!

If you ever want to inbox me then go ahead. I've decided that I will only resent her if I don't go, and that will be worse as I will still be in this country and not talking to her, so at least if I go I can see for myself whether it would've worked or not. Good luck xx

[SJT]

We have been here just over a year now. It took us two and half years from the time we started the visa application until the final move. Both our families felt we would not go through with it and at every important stage they were like "its just a dream you wont go through with it". I was very very close to my MIL, but it has changed since hubby told her we were thinking of moving, and it was hubby's idea to start off with, but she just cannot deal with it. BIL, has maybe been the worse, he would not talk about it in any shape of form, and at family gatherings again it was like the elephant in a room, we would whisper in corners talking to people who were excited for us, but making sure close family could not hear us as we did not want to upset them.

 

It took hubby over 7 months to find work and all that time family thought we would go back, then we brought our own home and so I think it has finally made them see, we are happy and content here and have no intentions of going back.

 

The in laws still find it difficult and let it be known that they are unhappy that we have gone and they get upset at birthdays etc, and family occasions are still very hard to miss, I hate it when it's my nieces/nephew's birthdays as I really miss them and feel guilty that I'm not there, and I just get the comment that it was our decision to go.

 

We made a mistake and organised for the in-laws to come out three months after we arrived, and they stayed for 12 weeks with us. It was far too soon and we were still finding our feet and we were all very emotional still about the move and so the 12 weeks was very stressful, lots of tears and arguments. They are coming out again at Christmas and staying for another 12 weeks, but not with us, and this time we are all looking forward to it, as we are now settled, know that the decision to move was the best for our immediate family and everyone is thriving here.

 

I would say the emotional side is the hardest part of the move, you have sooo many mixed emotions from feeling very happy, to very very sad, to guilty for taking children away from family/friends and you never know from one minute to the next how you are going to feel. You constantly doubt your decision and only time will tell if it is the right one for your family. All three of my children are happy here, they have all had their first Oz birthdays which were hard,as you miss what you use to do, you miss seeing/hearing from relatives on your special day, but Emily just had her second Oz birthday and it was fantastic, she had a big party, had lots of laughs with her new mates and if I'm honest she never missed family once.

 

You have to do what you think is best for your immediate family and go with your gut instinct, I have made a lot of friends here and all of the ones from the UK have all said even though they struggled emotionally and wanted to go back the first few months, now they have been here over a year, they all love it and not one of them has the intention of ever going back and call Perth their home. Yesterday we spent the day on the beach/park with all our new friends, the mums sat with flasks of coffee chatting and having a laugh, the kids went from playing in the sea to the park, back to the sea and then playing again, we where there for 6 hours and never spent a penny and no one wanted to go home as they were having too much fun and that was the second time we had done it this week. We have a day at the races planned for Melbourne Cup Day, we have an Abba tribute night planned and a girls night in. There is lots to do here if you want to and there are lots of people to help you through those first few months. I also found lots of wine helped in the beginning.

@ImmilBees as you said you will only resent her in the long term, so you may as well give it a go, if it all works out well she will eventually come round as she will see what a fantastic life/future her grandchildren will have, and at the end of the day I'm sure she wants to see you all happy.

[Jen6210]

@Ammio1, I'm sorry it's got as far as you going and you still can't talk about it. I keep going to say things related to the move and stop in my tracks because I realise who i'm talking to, I just got my IELTS results today and she doesn't even know i've taken the test!

If you ever want to inbox me then go ahead. I've decided that I will only resent her if I don't go, and that will be worse as I will still be in this country and not talking to her, so at least if I go I can see for myself whether it would've worked or not. Good luck xx

 

 

Hi Immilbees, I went through the same with my mum, when i visited her I could feel the tension in the house, she said a few hurtful things to me and totally blocked out anything to do with moving to Oz, but she did eventually come round when we had our medicals and Police checks, I think she knew there's was no turning back, we've been here for 4 weeks and I have spoken on the phone and kept her updated with progress house, car & school with pics on FB. It will get easier you do have your own life to live as well.

 

i wish you well

 

Jen

[donnachivers]

Weve had family members b the same, and it doesnt make it easier, but u just have to remember why u want to go. My dad never wanted to talk about things, and always left the room whenever anything was mentioned, and my sister was of the opinion that we wouldnt come. Its not easy but keep going x

[rpakey]

We've been lucky that the family have encouraged us to go

Understand the psychology here, its the fear of the unknown, parents dont know how and when they will get to see the grandchildren

This will disappear in time and the fear factor will significantly reduce once the first trip is over and done with

(NB- I'm no psychologist, but undertake a deep interest in the subject!)

[jac2011]

My family and in laws are playing again behind our backs... They wont talk to us about it but they live close to each other and when my family see my husbands family they have suddenly become best friends (used to hate each other) and have a good gossip together. Then my mum speaks to me and tells me all the things my husbands family have said so I get wound up, my husbands family tell him all the things my family have said... Then my husband and I get all worked up and stressed and end up arguing!!!

 

They would rather we split up than emigrate.

 

My mum changes the subject if I tell her anything Australia related. She has known for 6 1/2 years it was my dream and has made barely any effort to see me despite only being 2 hours apart. She believes it is my role to visit her. Its very hard at times and I get so angry that family are like this but then it reminds me why Australia seems so tempting at times. I like a quiet life away from gossiping, name calling and pressure!

[cocolevi]

My family and in laws are playing again behind our backs... They wont talk to us about it but they live close to each other and when my family see my husbands family they have suddenly become best friends (used to hate each other) and have a good gossip together. Then my mum speaks to me and tells me all the things my husbands family have said so I get wound up, my husbands family tell him all the things my family have said... Then my husband and I get all worked up and stressed and end up arguing!!!

 

They would rather we split up than emigrate.

 

That is so sad xx

[jo and scott]

My family and in laws are playing again behind our backs... They wont talk to us about it but they live close to each other and when my family see my husbands family they have suddenly become best friends (used to hate each other) and have a good gossip together. Then my mum speaks to me and tells me all the things my husbands family have said so I get wound up, my husbands family tell him all the things my family have said... Then my husband and I get all worked up and stressed and end up arguing!!!

 

They would rather we split up than emigrate.

 

My mum changes the subject if I tell her anything Australia related. She has known for 6 1/2 years it was my dream and has made barely any effort to see me despite only being 2 hours apart. She believes it is my role to visit her. Its very hard at times and I get so angry that family are like this but then it reminds me why Australia seems so tempting at times. I like a quiet life away from gossiping, name calling and pressure!

 

 

this is so sad :-( we havnt really spoken much about oz for the past 2 or 3 months what with the kids being home for the summer, my mum was on holiday for 2 weeks and got back on Friday, I was supposed to meet up with her yesterday but she cancelled as she was tired, I wanted to speak with her about buying the house we have seen and our plans for moving before sept if poss, not sure how she is going to take it, she was very upset at first but has come round to the idea.

 

big hugs to you.

[Lisa VCH]

This is so hard. My own mum has made it very clear that she will not visit us or make contact online. This hurts and makes it easier to leave to be honest.

 

I have a friend who would like to go but won't go against her mother, she is now having marital problems and I think this is very selfish of her mother.

 

As a parent myself I would be proud to have raised a child with the guts to do this thing. Heartbreaking maybe, but you raise them to let them go, good luck.

[Amiio1]

Do you hAve any children? I think it's the main reason why my mum's upset. Oh wow how did you get on with that? Where are you thinking of going/planning move? Immilbees

[7cdb]

Well,last night we had our stag and hen nights (getting married in Nov) we both had a great night out with some really really good friends. Drank too much and told my best man that I was having doubts about leaving the UK. I have a good job,we have a great life here. No money worries and we are settled. We have a lovely son and great friends.

 

My best man and me are very close and we share a lot. His reply......Calvin you have a beautiful future wife,who has given you the son you have always wanted. You live once,take you family to OZ enjoy your new life and never have any regrets.

 

Sort of summed up all I need in life,is my lot and a chance to one day see my boy happy in OZ.

[Guest Guest6235]

Well,last night we had our stag and hen nights (getting married in Nov) we both had a great night out with some really really good friends. Drank too much and told my best man that I was having doubts about leaving the UK. I have a good job,we have a great life here. No money worries and we are settled. We have a lovely son and great friends.

 

My best man and me are very close and we share a lot. His reply......Calvin you have a beautiful future wife,who has given you the son you have always wanted. You live once,take you family to OZ enjoy your new life and never have any regrets.

 

Sort of summed up all I need in life,is my lot and a chance to one day see my boy happy in OZ.

You having doubts pal....can't believe it.

[ImmilBees]

Hi all thanKs for the replies really touched to see how it affects everyone. Yes I do have children, we have 2, one 4yrs and one 4months. I think this is most of her issue, as it wasn't that she'd miss me, it was "you don't know how it feels to have your grandchildren taken away from you"

 

I find that hard to swallow as I think it's not like they're being put into care, and they're not her's to take away from they're my children, and they're not property they're people!

Theyre embarking on a new life with their stable loving parents! If she met someone and wanted to move away, I wouldn't cry and say you're taking my mum away. I'd be happy for her that she's found happiness.

 

personally I think it's pure selfishness, she's always been like it, she cried when I told her I was moving out at 18, in with friends, gave me all the reasons why I wouldn't cope how my uni course would suffer, so I stayed, and then moved in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband) at 20 instead. I resent her now as I've never had that feeling of independence of standing on my own two feet dealing with bills etc, having somewhere to call my own. I hope I'm making sense?!

 

And now australia is me making my own decision and not letting her tears guilt me into putting her feelings first. For once I'm putting me first. Yes I have a happy marriage, but we're by no means "comfortable" we don't own a house, we have decent jobs but it's not enough to pay childcare, save for a deposit have a family holiday etc.

if There's a chance Australia can give us that(and from what we've researched it can) then I feel she should be supporting not suppressing!

She has also said to me that if I go I'll never see her again. Even though we will visit England and we have offered to pay for her flight to us, her response was, it's too far, if we were meant to fly we'd have wings, and staying for 4-6 weeks is out of the question as she has the dog!

 

cant argue with that can I! Xx

[Amiio1]

Hi all thanKs for the replies really touched to see how it affects everyone. Yes I do have children, we have 2, one 4yrs and one 4months. I think this is most of her issue, as it wasn't that she'd miss me, it was "you don't know how it feels to have your grandchildren taken away from you"

 

I find that hard to swallow as I think it's not like they're being put into care, and they're not her's to take away from they're my children, and they're not property they're people!

Theyre embarking on a new life with their stable loving parents! If she met someone and wanted to move away, I wouldn't cry and say you're taking my mum away. I'd be happy for her that she's found happiness.

 

personally I think it's pure selfishness, she's always been like it, she cried when I told her I was moving out at 18, in with friends, gave me all the reasons why I wouldn't cope how my uni course would suffer, so I stayed, and then moved in with my boyfriend (who is now my husband) at 20 instead. I resent her now as I've never had that feeling of independence of standing on my own two feet dealing with bills etc, having somewhere to call my own. I hope I'm making sense?!

 

And now australia is me making my own decision and not letting her tears guilt me into putting her feelings first. For once I'm putting me first. Yes I have a happy marriage, but we're by no means "comfortable" we don't own a house, we have decent jobs but it's not enough to pay childcare, save for a deposit have a family holiday etc.

if There's a chance Australia can give us that(and from what we've researched it can) then I feel she should be supporting not suppressing!

She has also said to me that if I go I'll never see her again. Even though we will visit England and we have offered to pay for her flight to us, her response was, it's too far, if we were meant to fly we'd have wings, and staying for 4-6 weeks is out of the question as she has the dog!

 

cant argue with that can I! Xx

 

Omg you sound the same as me. I worked in a hair salon when I was 14 on a sat and loved it. At 16 I wanted to go to college to do it as a job but my mum said it was the easy way out and to do my a levels.. so I did. as i did well in my a levels I should go to uni... So I did. I wanted to move to manchester to uni but she was beside herself and said if I didn't go she would buy me a car... So I stayed at home. Ive never used my degree and I am now a hairdresser!

There's been many other times also. My husband sees it as she's had some kind of control over me and by making this decision she hasn't. He feels she's selfish and I constantly feel like piggy in the middle. She thinks it's all his doing, stating 'you go, but you don't have to take my daughter and grand kids away from me' and then 'you may as well be dead if you go there as we won't see you or kids again'. We've also said we would pay towards air fare and she works on a school and has all holidays off.

its sad because we are hoping to go end of jan which will fly by now .... Feeling sad

[ImmilBees]

Omg you sound the same as me. I worked in a hair salon when I was 14 on a sat and loved it. At 16 I wanted to go to college to do it as a job but my mum said it was the easy way out and to do my a levels.. so I did. as i did well in my a levels I should go to uni... So I did. I wanted to move to manchester to uni but she was beside herself and said if I didn't go she would buy me a car... So I stayed at home. Ive never used my degree and I am now a hairdresser!

There's been many other times also. My husband sees it as she's had some kind of control over me and by making this decision she hasn't. He feels she's selfish and I constantly feel like piggy in the middle. She thinks it's all his doing, stating 'you go, but you don't have to take my daughter and grand kids away from me' and then 'you may as well be dead if you go there as we won't see you or kids again'. We've also said we would pay towards air fare and she works on a school and has all holidays off.

its sad because we are hoping to go end of jan which will fly by now .... Feeling sad

 

OMG yes I had the same thing I originally wanted to be a midwife, but it meant going to a uni away from home, so I got all the emotional blackmail as to how far away it was, and how would I pay for things, and I don't drive so it means I can't get home. I look at my friends who went to university in Wales, or Brighton, fellow nurses who have come over from Ireland to train. Or friends I have that are currently travelling around Sri lanka, Japan, and Canada, and feel a pang of jealousy they have had that freedom. We moved a year ago 1hr up the road and my mum cried for about 2 months over that, and made some snipey remark each time she visited for the first 6 months like there were lots of lorries on the road it was awful or that the weather was much nicer when she left this morning.

 

at the end of the day the more she fights the more she is pushing me away, and if we don't go for whatever reason it won't ne a victory for her as I'd only be remembering the lack of support I got.

 

Hope things make a turn around for you, just remind yourself of all the reasons you're going and keep positive people around you xx

[ImmilBees]

Hi all just wondered if any of your situations have changed??

 

Mine hasn't at all, it got to the point where I think my mum went into total denial, she didn't bring up the issue, and neither did I thinking that allowing her time to get her head round it might help....Well I was wrong she started making plans for the future like building a summer house for the kids and asking about schools etc, so eventually I had to put her straight and subtly said, I cant make plans yet as I don't know what country i'll be in.

 

She started crying again like it was brand new information, again saying do i realise i'll never see her again if i go, and that i'm breaking her heart doing this. I tried to get her to see the positives, and the opportunities we could be giving the kids. But she said she can't think like that, her life will be empty (despite she has another grandchild 5 minutes down the road) all she can do is cry and she'll never get over this ever!!

 

so that's that what more can I say or do?